Most people think of narcissism and self centeredness as being loud and show stealing, and they have the right idea because it is easy to see these types of self absorbed show offs who have to be the center of attention and talk the most. But, here, psychological observations point to a much more understated and pervasive form of ego – the conversational narcissist. A conversational narcissist may not be loud, but has the skill of turning any and all anecdotes, whether personal or of a private tragedy or a winning personal triumph, into self-referential stories. If I talk to a conversational narcissist and tell them that I lost my job and had a bad day, they will then tell me about a career crisis they faced and glamorize it, simply because I had a bad day. Out of the many travel itineraries that could be told, of any possible intineraries about a travel Ight, they will always self appoint themselves because I was exstatic about a clear and simple travel plan. This behavior is wildly and really incorrectly described as conversational narcissism, and indeed it lacks no ill fated assertion. More often than not, it is an unfortunate and destructive habitual cause that the conversational span has begun to to not truly hear and to listen to the other, and eventually throws the other and self-sale short of being another damn speaker, and springs, above all else, to be the sanctimonious focal point of self. As this type of conversational narcissism spreads it feels like a malignat cancer that encroaches on a tissue, and eventually as the size of the conversation becomes the narcissist, it has the effects of making every speaker feel terribly terribly unheard, terribly undervalued and concealed, and, most important simply simply therefore, terribly, but the most sadly most terribly.
Shift response versus Support response
A key factor in hijacking a conversation is the nature of social interaction. There are two main types of social reaction in response to a social interaction, as identified by social scientist Charles Derber. He identified the Shift response and Support response. Support response is a reaction that keeps the attention on the original speaker. Support responses typically use questions and prompts, as in, “How did that make you feel?” or “What happened next?” Shift responses, on the other hand, are what Derber called “subtle pivots” that redirect the story to the listener. Moments of “me too” are meant to build rapport through a shared experience, and are often momentary. However, for the habitually self-centered person, shift response is the default setting. This means that, for them, conversations are simply a loop of internal rehearsal until the next opportunity presents itself to “talk” about them. Really, a lack of active listening turns into a defensive mechanism that attempts to be relatable, but in reality is the exact opposite of what is needed in a conversation. This is a gross erosion of the mutual respect that is the backbone of healthy communication.
Understanding Consequences of One-Sided Dialogue
When someone is always self-centered, the consequences of this kind of engagement over time is difficult to gauge in one instance. Friends and coworkers stop giving each other meaningful stories, knowing the “invisible mirror” will fixate the attention away from them. There is a person empty social space in an environment with a redirector. That person is surrounded, but alone. They have exchanged a genuine connection for a series of monologues. From a psychology standpoint, the demonstration of this behavior is pervasive in self-centered speech with the demonstration of high insecurity. In the absence of corollary validation, self-centered speech is a monologue in an absence of a genuine connection. Ironically, the assertion of one”s worth takes high emotional ignorance.
Conversation Centering Signs
| Behavior Trait | The Support Listener | The Conversational Narcissist |
| Response Type | Asks open-ended questions. | Immediately shares a personal story. |
| Eye Contact | Focused and attentive. | Glazed over while waiting to speak. |
| Topic Duration | Allows the speaker to finish the arc. | Interrupts to “add” their own version. |
| Emotional Tone | Empathetic and validating. | Competitive or dismissive. |
| Post-Talk Feel | Both parties feel connected. | The speaker feels drained and unheard. |
Breaking/Saving Self Reference Self-Conversing
Self-centered people must exercise to get out of this habit. Mindfulness is a great place to begin. The two-interjection rule is a great starting point. Before interjecting with a personal story, ask two questions when it is their turn to speak. The brain is forced to engage outward and in the moment. Authentic connection is witnessing another person’s story and adding nothing to it. When people do this, they make it easier to make an unforced connection. If we prioritize interest and suppress the need to control, the space is no longer an egocentric environment and authentic dialogue isn’t just a mirror reflection.
This specific change will not only help your personal connections, but it can improve your professional relationships, too, because the leaders people tend to respect the most are the ones who are good listeners.
The Evolutionary and Social Roots of Self-Centering
It seems to be worth mentioning that it is only natural that people are predominantly self-centered, because the world’s design allows people to perceive it that way. Every brain perceives itself as the protagonist of the movie theater. However, most people are only concerned about the broadening of the self-centered perspectives. Especially in this age of social media, the stakes to be the loudest “main character” are really high. Socially, we have recently normalized a filtering mechanism for self-branding that is connected to the information people consume, and the information the people post is a reflection of their life. Listening is often mistaken as a passive activity, but in fact, it is the most active activity people can engage in. When it comes to communication mastery, it is not about dominating the conversation. It’s about having a tolerance for a pause or a silence, and to not feel compelled to close it by saying something rather personal or trivial. When a personal narrative is no longer introduced to complement or to clarify a person’s reply, he or she will have greater likelihood to truly perceive the world, and not as a framing for the grand narrative of his or her life.
Creating Empathetic Conversations that Stand the Test of Time
The best way to have engaging conversations is to allow the other person to feel valued. We can build a positive relationship by focusing on their responses rather than talking about ourselves. This is not to say that we shouldn’t share anything about ourselves; rather, talking about ourselves should come secondary to talking about the other person. Timing and intent matter when we share personal thoughts. Are you sharing to take control or sharing to relate? With true empathy, when sharing, we offer a space where the other person feels like they can be open and share their thoughts. This also encourages people to be open and willing to listen when it is our time to speak. Communication is simply an exchange, a give-and-take that requires full attention to the moment. By focusing less on ourselves, we allow ourselves to tap into the numerous stories and perspectives in our conversations and take away much more than any story we could have said ourselves.
FAQs
Q1 Is it always a bad things to share a personal story when the other person is talking?
Not always. It can be empathetic to share a correlating story, but it is definitely an issue when it is done to steal the spotlight or to invalidate the original speaker.
Q2 How do I deal with someone who continuously shifts the focus of the conversation?
You can attempt soft anchoring like, “I want to hear more about that in a second, but I want to finish what happened at the meeting.”
Q3 Can a person with conversational narcissism have underlying conditions?
Usually, conversational narcissism is simply a social habit that one can learn, but it can also be associated with other things like ADHD (where one can struggle with impulse control), anxiety, or many other variations of personality.
