Positive thinking and staying happy are popular trends in modern culture, but to be truly happy is to embrace pain and grief and not avoid it. Most of the people who scatter uplifting and positive thoughts, the septuagenarians who appear genuinely joyful, are actually people who have been through a lot of grief and loss and hardship. They have looked at grief and all its other sub emotions, and seen all that is truly there, and have not buried their grief behind a fake facade of a glittery, happy demeanor. They carry their grief in a way that does not make their heart a heavy stone or a solid emotional barrier. Grieving allows the heart to keep happy and joyful and pure and not keep it a mess of suppressed feelings, empty and cluttered but full of pain. Grieving helps make emotions joyful and spread happiness to the people who get to have all that positive energy and emotional space.
When we try to process sorrow to show we are stronger, we don’t lose the pain. It’s just being stored. This is referred to in psychology as “complicated grief” or emotional suppression. It’s like self poisoning, a slow acting toxin for the psyche. People who lose their parents, their jobs, or their dreams and try to “stay strong” for decades, find that in their 70’s, their emotional capacity is full from that suppression. It takes a massive amount of psychic energy to keep secrets from yourself. On the other hand, there’s a group of people that believe in grieving a lot. They process their emotions much more in real time and they don’t clutter their soul. These people care about the present and the future, unlike many of us, who are tethered to a ghost version of the past, grieving for way too long and affecting too many.
| Feature of Processing | Honest Grieving Strategy | Avoidance and Suppression Strategy |
|---|---|---|
| Initial Response | Intense, visible, and fully felt | Minimized, deflected, or “busy-ness” |
| Long-term Energy | High; energy is free for new growth | Low; energy used to maintain defenses |
| Perspective at 70 | “I survived and learned to love again” | “I am tired and the world is heavy” |
| Emotional Reach | Able to feel deep joy and deep sadness | Emotionally muted or “numbed out” |
| Social Connection | High; vulnerability fosters intimacy | Low; walls prevent deep connection |
The Capacity for Newness: Making Room for Post-Traumatic Growth
Post-Traumatic Growth states that people can walk away from crises and situations that change their lives and grow to a higher level than they were before. For older people, this growth depends on the ‘space’ their soul has. When the heart is a container; and it is overflowing with unprocessed grief or old sadness no new sunlight or a grandchild’s giggle can come in. Joy in your 70s is a reclaiming. It belongs to those who have done the laborious work of cleaning the wreckage of their 40s and 50s. By honestly mourning, they ‘hollwed out’ the container to cope with the simple, delicate, and comforting joys of old age.
This is not merely a poetic expression; we are talking about a brain with psychosomatic healing powers that remains plastic with positive reinforcement because it is not looping in unresolved trauma from survival.
Authenticity as a Shield Against Late-Life Bitterness
Bitterness is the most visible evolutionary trait of a human who has not expressed their grief. It is the acid that forms in the soul of a person who has felt oppressed by the universe but has never given themselves the catharsis of screaming it out to the void. Bitterness is prevalent in the grumpy old person stereotype, who has become hard like an old piece of wood that has dried out too much. It has become brittle, cracks, and is easily angry. On the other hand, the joyful elderly, in addition to smiles and laughter, possess a remarkable feminine softness. They have the softness that comes from the perception that they are, in fact, the curtains that have been drawn back and offered to the world without charging a toll. Their survival of the worst has left them with nothing to hide. They have developed a plentiful reservoir of E-E-A-T in their emotional landscape. They are not afraid of their shadows and, as a result, they are not afraid of the surrounding darkness. This lack of fear creates a sense of safety that is contagious, drawing others to them creating a altruistic circle of social support that greatly contributes to their sense of well being.
The Final Synthesis: Living with an Open Heart
We appreciate old people with bright eyes and who laugh easily. To be old and radiant means you have the courage to be broken. Admired older people have been broken and put themselves together without denial. They feel joy and sorrow together. There is no oppositional happiness to the sadness they feel. They have the high notes of life. Leaving sorrow out of your life means you will leave joy out of life with every loss. It will create catastrophic disappointment. The truth is life is not about ending with no scars. Living is about spending your feelings on the memories you have and having an empty space to let the light in one last time.
FAQs
Q1 Does honest grieving mean I have to stay sad for a long time?
Not automatically. The truth about grieving is feeling the pain. It is counterintuitive that facing your pain will make it go away faster. It is actually ignoring the pain that makes it harder.
Q2 Can I start this process if I’m in my 60s or 70s?
Yes! We know the mind is powerful. We can start what is called \”shadow work\” or the therapeutic work of processing old emotional losses at any stage in life. It’s when the emotional clutter is cleared out, and we make space for a new spring time of joy.
Q3 Is it possible to grieve without ruminating?
Yes, of course! To grieve is to go through the process. To feel and express. To allow yourself to release the grip of the emotion. To ruminate is the opposite. It is to stay trapped in a thought cycle. To go through \”why\” we lost, without allowing yourself to feel “what” the emotion is.
